therobynsnest.org - Going Through an Identity Crisis

Since our move in September, I've been going through an identity crisis of sorts. Before the move I got a perm every few months and had short, curly hair. I taught three of my four children at home and had many jobs to do at church. When we moved to Allison, many things changed. We put all four kids in public school, the church has an administrative assistant who does the bulletin and many, many other jobs that need doing at church. Suddenly my days were filled with different things than I used to do. Of course, I have had plenty of things to keep me busy as we've worked at getting settled in the new parsonage and other details that accompany a move. I haven't gotten to the point where I'm bored yet, but my brain is having a hard time realizing that my roles have suddenly changed. Once the house is all set up, what will I do with all my free time? Will I actually work on being a writer, or should I do lots of volunteer work? Will there be enough to keep me busy just taking care of my home and family, or is it time to branch out and minister to women in my church and community? My head is spinning with all of the options and I can't stop thinking about all the future rewards as well as the possible difficulties depending on which option I choose.

On top of all that, there's my hair. Yes, my hair. About a month after we got here I was due to get a perm. I had someone recommend a stylist and I nervously went to my appointment. She suggested I try keeping it straight so I could save some money. I had been thinking about trying a new style, so I agreed. She cut it short in the back and on the sides, but left it a little longer on top. I wasn't sure I liked what I was seeing in the mirror, but I convinced myself that it was cute, thanked her, and went home.

I scared myself a few times when I caught a glimpse in the mirror at home, and I was convinced that I had made a terrible mistake when Gary got home and I saw the look on his face! He tried to be kind, but he made it clear that he liked it the way it was before and did not care for this new look at all. As the kids arrived home, they added their shocked looks and surprised comments. I called my new stylist back and, half in tears, asked if I could get in for a perm before the weekend. I didn't want to go to church on Sunday looking like that! Unfortunately, she couldn't get me in until Wednesday, so I resigned myself to looking like that for another five days. Later on, I tried using some mousse and a curling iron (the first time in many years) and I got it to look a little less like a football helmet. It even started to look, dare I say it, "cute". By Monday we all got used to it and I decided to continue with the growing out process and see if I could eventually get to a different, longer style.

Over the past month, I've had to get used to seeing a new "me" in the mirror. I didn't always like how I used to look, but I knew what to expect when I got in front of the mirror. Suddenly I was in a new stage where I didn't know what I'd see in the mirror. At times it looked kind of cute when I tried styling it, other times it stuck out in some spots and didn't look good at all. I went from letting my hair air dry to having to spend quite a few minutes fixing it before leaving the house. Did I really want a straighter hair style if it meant that much more work? I wasn't sure.

I'm still not sure. It's been about six weeks now and it's getting longer. At one point I was watching the news and pondered the fact that I looked a little like George Stephanopoulus. Now, he's not a bad looking man, but I wasn't sure I wanted to look like him! I'm not sure I like putting a bunch of mousse in my hair every day and spending time fixing it. I guess I'll give it a little more time and see how it goes.

During these identity crisis weeks, I've also found myself thinking about how we sometimes go through a spiritual identity crisis at times. Maybe God leads us to make some change in our life. We know it's a good idea and that it will be good for us, but soon after we implement the change, we have second thoughts. Maybe we don't recognize ourselves without the bad habit or poor character quality in our lives. It felt more comfortable the way we used to be, and we're tempted to revert back to the way we were - just like I wanted to go back to my perm as soon as possible.

We have to remember that it's worth going through the uncomfortable feelings as we become the women God wants us to be.

© Robyn Mulder 2009, therobynsnest.org